Life is an adventure of the heart, an adventure into love

Monday 5 June 2023

Autumn breeze

 For just over a year I have worked at a school for children with social, emotional and mental health issues. Some of the children I work with live in a children's home on site and have experienced trauma and abuse. These children often have difficult days where they are really struggling emotionally and spiritually. On one such day, I was with a particular boy who I knew had suffered the worst kind of abuse and I felt totally at a loss to help him as I witnessed his deep depression and self-hatred. It was like he was sitting at the bottom of a pit in the dark and knowing what I did, I could totally understand why he was there. I wished I could help him climb out but all I could do was sit with him in the dark and bear witness to his pain, anything else would have felt contrived and forced. I felt heavy with sadness for him in the evening and I wrote this piece which, a year later I feel to share. My hope is that it may connect with some of you as we journey through this precious yet sometimes deeply painful life together. 

Autumn breeze

As the Autumn breeze swirls the dry, crumpled leaves in frenzied spirals, so are some human souls.

As you watch, don't weep, for their journey is not your own.

Every once in a while perhaps the wind will slow and a leaf will rest near you.

Then you can take it up, examine it in the light and tell it how beautiful it is, how fleeting, 

how wonderfully the light falls through the gaps and cracks in its papery skin.

You cannot run after the frenzied leaf and hope to catch it, 

you can only hope that in the pause before the next great blow, 

somehow as grace aligns you find this beauty and speak to it truly, speak to it tenderly.

All things die, decompose and return to life again.

Every act makes a difference in this life or the next, 

nothing is meaningless.

Allow the wind to guide you today. 





Saturday 8 January 2022

Invisible Nirvana

 It takes time for a tree to grow

it takes time for a flower to bloom

It takes time for a baby to form in the darkness of the womb

I was reaching for the heavens

I was dreaming of the stars

my growth became thin and weedy

reaching for some invisible Nirvana

So chop me down and burn the firewood

let me start again

this time, my roots strong and deep

aware of my place and the ground around me

grateful for the rain that washes me

and the chance to start again

I do not reach for the heavens

I do not dream of the stars

but I awake each day to a new dawn

and that is more than enough


Thursday 6 January 2022

Human

Here I am, here I am, here I am  

A tiny being, yet fully aware, fully feeling

My heart beating in time with millions of others

dancing over the Earth with our strange soft feet

feeling the breeze on our faces, tiny curls of hair blowing around our ears

We are made of blood, made of water that has always been here

shared in our saturation

our spirits different and yet alike, our quest for knowledge collaborative

our need for healing unanimous

we are people forged from the Earth

inexplicably connected and yet separate

we dance warrior-like

we swim frog-like

we smile, shiny like

we love, we love, we love

Wednesday 5 January 2022

Bittersweet

 This year I want to dance more, laugh more, hug more,

present with the sheer joy of living,

soaking in the sacred preciousness of my breath. 

Last year we felt the deep pain of loss,

but in the midst of the bitterness was so much sweetness. 

And that's what makes a life.

The bitterness and the sweetness, 

the birdsong after the darkest of nights.

The magic of an ordinary day, 

highlighted like dust motes in sun rays.

The touch of a hand, soft breath on the cheek,

children's laughter and a glint in the most pixie-like eye.

The kindness of a friend or the unconditional love of an animal,

permeating my heart like water on parched soil.

Life- something alive beyond my understanding,

breathtakingly beautiful, painfully hard.

The blood, sweat and tears, and resounding, deafening grief...

and yet the sweetness so sweet

 it breaks through the brittleness, the stagnancy,

and somehow it is beyond, it is deep, it is beautiful. 

Tuesday 4 January 2022

How to be a conduit

We've all been told, "follow your dreams" so many times it no longer feels inspiring, it's more like a tired quote you might find at a tacky gift shop on a fridge magnet. We tried following ours but it's not that simple. How can something so fundamental become so complex and out of reach? You feel the glow of your desires in your heart, you create something with them and share in the hope it will serve humanity- right? However, being human, somewhere along the way ego gets involved. We are told through various sources that our dreams will provide for us financially, that somehow they are connected to manifesting our desires. Vision boards with million dollar cheques on them and large fancy houses with swimming pools. Since when did serving humanity become so self-serving? Well I think there is a grain of truth in it all. I think that if you give of yourself in service you will be given more to give with, but perhaps not how you think. If you give of your words, do not fear, you will wake up with more words the next day. If you are a teacher and you share your insights and wisdom, do not fear, there will be more insights and wisdom waiting for you. If you are a musician there will be more music and song. 

Hold onto that anchor of hope in your heart and don't let go.

Work in progress. 

Sunday 7 November 2021

Quiet knowing

 So many possibilities, so many things to choose from. 

Each day an opportunity to evolve from the one before; 

to take two steps where you only took one; 

to take the deep breath instead of holding it. 

You are the creator behind your life; 

you hold the paintbrush and the possibilities.

Which colours will you choose today? 

Will you rise above the oppressive thoughts there to hold you back?

Will you look at those around you and remember how deep your love is? 

Will you fly on the wings of trust rather than hold back in fear? 

Every day an opportunity, an open door. 

Yet how will you know which way to go if you don't listen? 

Your inner navigation system is the quiet knowing, it's not the frenzied thoughts. 

It's the gentle rising of feeling as steam rises from the cup. 

So you must make space for the delicate feeling to show you which way to go. 

To show you which opportunities to take, which thoughts to allow. 

Thursday 4 November 2021

 Belonging

Wow such a powerful word. In Maslow's hierarchy of needs, 'love and belonging' appear on the third level of the pyramid, with only physiological and safety needs below them (Maslow, A. H., 1943). According to his theory and from my own personal experience, the need to belong is deep and potent. In the age of social media, the dynamics of belonging can be exaggerated and my perception of it can be misconstrued. Friends and acqaintances construct their social personas for the online world and it can be very hard to understand how people are truly feeling. Are other people lonely? Do other people long for deep connection and solidarity like I do, or do they already have that, along with the perfect home and the perfect life? Somehow I know that's deeply untrue. And yet... when a friend of mine posts pictures of a party my daughter wasn't invited to even though she's told me she's 'besties' with the daughter of the host, or when I see a group of Mums gathering together socially, it cuts me to the core. I immediately feel the pain of being the outsider, of not belonging, not fitting in. 

I remember reading a post by a famous blogger once and she wrote how her teenage daughter was getting together with a small group of her friends. The Mum heard one of the teenagers say, 'let's not post as we don't want others to be hurt' and this Mum was quite blown away by the emotional maturity of these teenagers to be able to make that decision. It's a shame a lot of adults aren't the same, but I think the need to post when you are at a gathering or get together could come from the same place as the need to belong. If you are invited to these events and you post, it's validating your own belonging at the expense of other people's. It's like you're waving a flag saying, 'look I do belong, I'm here and you're not.' maybe that's why it hurts or maybe I'm just reading too much into it? It's not like I think people should be banned from posting when they get together, because obviously that's what social media is for. However I do think a little bit of emotional maturity might be helpful. There are times when I post and times when I feel a check about it, perhaps what I'm trying to say is, can we all be more like those teenagers please?!

One of my favourite writers, Brene Brown, talks about true belonging in her book 'Dare to lead,' she says, 'true belonging never asks us to change who we are. True belonging requires us to be who we are,' This feels so good to me, the idea that I can exhale and be who I am, rather than trying to climb the social ladder or win social points; as deep down I know that's a game I can't win. In the past all sorts of insecurities have kept me from being more social, but at this point it feels like there are certain communities that play by certain rules and some are certainly more open than others. Where I come from there are several small rural communities where people have grown up all their lives. For those on the inside with all their childhood friendships around them it's working pretty well, so why would they even notice those lonely ones standing on the edge of the playground? For us lonely ones- the outsiders and misfits it can feel impossible to truly belong. 

I saw a listing recently for a free chest of drawers so I went to collect it and realised I had seen the couple giving it away many times at school drop off. They opened up to me that they had struggled to fit in in the community despite their best efforts so they were moving out of the country and starting again. I immediately felt repentant, here was a lovely couple who I'd seen every day, not knowing that they were feeling lonely (and they weren't the first to move away because of this either). This gave me the wake up call I needed to put myself out there more, to try and 'be the person I need' and gather people together who might be feeling lonely. 

Last night I was out with a lovely group of women, they had very kindly invited me to go out with them even though I only knew one lady, my neighbour. I was so uplifted to sit around a table with some nice people and talk and laugh. I felt so touched that these people were open enough to invite me when they all knew each other and didn't need to open uo their circle for themselves. As Glennon Doyle says, “I hate how people stand in circles. I wish we'd all agree to stand around in horseshoes, with room available for awkward outsiders to join.”



Brene Brown (2021) 'Dare to lead: True belonging never asks us to change who we are' Available at: https://brenebrown.com/art/true-belonging/

Glennon Doyle (2020), 'Untamed', The Dial Press

Maslow, A. H. (1943). A theory of human motivation. Psychological Review, 50(4), 370-96.