On following your heart rather than 'performing'

Bit of a revelation today. I woke up feeling swamped. I didn't really know what I wanted to do with the day, I felt confused and my natural response was to 'check out' of life- to sit in a chair like a zombie with 'this is all too much' going through my mind. In this place, I found myself able to let go a bit of tying to understand and just 'be' like a helpless babe waiting to be fed. I have been here so many times before, I know now that all I can do is honor my heart by stopping rather than 'doing'... and wait. I began to realise that I had woken up today with a feeling of 'What am I going to do today' but with the anxious emotion of 'What can I do that will feel like a valuable use of the day? What will make me feel like I've performed well?.' This old need to perform is really just another expression of 'I'm not enough on my own' which is probably rooted somewhere in the old religious system. With the newness of following my heart and giving it space in my life, I have to let go of this old 'performance life'. In this place of 'letting go', life opens up and becomes an adventure of the heart.

I suddenly thought 'If my life was a play, I would be the main character in it, center stage.' So why do I feel like I'm a supporting role with 'doing things' feeling like the main reason for being? I felt a peace come as my heart was reassured that it was not going to be walked over, that it was valued and had breathing space to take center stage in my life. Suddenly I felt a glimmer of enthusiasm fill me- to go to a garden centre. I got up, had a shower and got dressed and soon my daughter and I were on our way. As we were driving, I thought 'Why not pop into the 'fish man' and see if he has any more scallop shells (I need them to present my home made soaps in), so we stopped off there and he had a whole bucket full, those loaded into the car we continued. I felt to go a slightly different way, just following the whispers of my heart. I suddenly remembered a riding school near by, so my daughter and I went and looked at the horses together and enquired about riding lessons (only £5 for a child's pony ride- a definite yes!)... on we went and ended up in a local town- why not have a coffee and pick up some seville oranges for marmalade making? So we did. Last stop was the garden centre, where my little girl kissed all the plastic robins that were 'getting wet in the rain' and I browsed with no real desire to buy anything. Home we went with happy hearts- well they were being given space to be the most important part of our lives. I believe that the most beautiful thing in the world is the human heart, when we allow our hearts space, all manner of goodness is released all around us- or maybe we are just more aware of it. For a heart warming story about following your heart, I would recommend 'The Alchemist' by Paulo Coelho (see my fav books). He says 'When you follow your heart, the universe conspires to help you', I agree, although I would say that when you follow your heart you find God there, inside you, and all around you, this is life as it was created to be!