If you've read my last blog entry, you will know that I've been thinking about birthing recently. I'm 36 weeks pregnant now, and lots of emotions are coming up in preparation for this big event! Before last week, I hadn't given the birth much thought. My first Midwife had said to me that she would recommend a hospital birth this time due to my previous C-Section and I had agreed, just happy to have the chance of a natural birth. After that, when anyone asked, I would just say that I was having a hospital birth and hoping for the best. I knew some of the risk factors involved with a natural birth after a Caesarian, but also that it was still safer than having another Caesarian, so in a way I was fairly relaxed about the whole thing and just very excited about the baby who would be arriving, whatever process got me there!
Anyway, last week, I watched the documentary that I talked about on my last blog entry and all these emotions came up about birthing, how hard it had been last time and how, in all honesty I would be devastated if the same thing happened again. I realised that although my relaxed attitude had been a good thing, there had also been some 'closedness' going on, I had been protecting myself from another disappointment by just not looking at the area at all. After I watched the documentary, it was like a floodgate of emotions came up, and I became a little bit obsessive in my research on the net! I also started to worry about whether my baby was still in the right position as the Midwife had said or whether the baby had moved around now. It was really hard not to constantly obsess over where I was feeling kicks etc. Last night, it all came to a head, I found it hard to sleep and the baby was wriggling around loads (I thought they weren't meant to have any room to do that at this stage?!), I kept trying to guess which position the baby was in, and I felt a bit tense and stressed out.
Anyway, I woke up this morning with a huge knot in my arm muscle as I'm just not used to sleeping on my side and in the early hours of the morning I started to read a book I had been given for Christmas called 'Expecting Adam' by Martha Beck. I've only read 3 chapters so far, but I'm already hooked! It really helped to bring some fresh perspective on all this and it helped me to let go of all this birthing stuff on a deeper level. It's hard to try and describe the thought process, but here goes! There is so much in my life where I feel a touch of the divine, bringing everything together in a perfect way for me. I love my husband, my daughter, my home, and I love the adventure we are on together. All along the way we have seen so many small miracles that have left me feeling so cared for. I know I'm in the right place at the right time and I wouldn't want to change a thing. Then, every so oftern along the way, something that hurts happens, something that I don't understand, that I can't see benefits from, and I try and understand it so that I feel better about it, but most of the time, when it is happening I don't have a clue why. I get angry that life isn't happening as I would have wanted, emotions come up, things fly around, but then somehow, often a peace comes, a deeper understanding, more openness. I think I'm finally starting to understand that all the challenges that come my way can be a really positive thing if I stay open to Love, open to what I know is true in the rest of my life. Martha Beck's story is touching me so far, because she is a Harvard graduate who becomes pregnant with a little boy who has Down's Syndrome, and against all the people around them, her and her husband decide to keep this baby boy, and she ends up learning more from him about life and magic than Harvard could have ever taught her.
I'm finding a safe footing now, in that, whatever happens, it will be part of my personal adventure. Sometimes we need big challenges to grow and stay open in Love. I trust that I will have the birthing experience I need right now and that our little baby will have the right entrance into the world too. There isn't much I can do to change the outcome anyway, other that to trust my instincts to the end. I feel like I've been up one end of a see-saw and down the other this week, but it has left me somewhere in the middle, with a strong hand to hold on to. I think I needed that and it's come just in time, just as always!
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