Life is an adventure of the heart, an adventure into love

Monday, 4 June 2012

Thoughts on fear vs faith

It's a really tough time for me at the moment. I feel a lot of self doubt and my mind is going around and around with lots of questions. I went to baby group today and I felt very vulnerable and like I didn't really feel sure of myself or anything I had to say. I hate feeling this way. When the sun is shining and the birds are singing, but I feel flat and empty, when there are a million things I could be excited about or doing, but I feel caged up and held back.

The money thing has been really getting me down, and at the same time I've been really annoyed that it's been affecting me so much, because it feels like such a small pitiful problem compared to what other people are going through. Like why am I so hung up that I can't afford things when other friends have health issues? Then I feel like, well it's OK, it's how you feel because you let fear in, so just accept that you've been feeling that way and then move on. The way I'm feeling right now if someone gave me £1000 it would be gone within an hour, I am in total 'I want, I need' mode. It's being 30 weeks pregnant too and wanting to feel as safe as possible about the change that's coming. But I want to be content now, I don't want to prepare for this baby girl in fear, I want to prepare for her in love. I want to throw all this mind and fear stuff out of the window and feel some freedom again.

It's a constant tightrope walk, will I choose fear or love today? Without love I don't feel the wind of inspiration carrying me effortlessly from one thing to the next, I feel the wind of fear and I struggle uphill exhausted and angry. How do I get out of fear and jump into love? I don't really have the answer. Maybe it happens when I'm ready to let go, when I'm too exhausted to cling onto the cliff edge anymore, I let go and find that the ground was inches below my feet all along. The solid rock of love. I can rest, knowing that all good things will happen at the right times. That I am enough whatever I choose to do. That it will be OK if I do nothing. Really it's knowing that I am OK, worthy of love, worthy of joy, worthy of life.

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