Belonging
Wow such a powerful word. In Maslow's hierarchy of needs, 'love and belonging' appear on the third level of the pyramid, with only physiological and safety needs below them (Maslow, A. H., 1943). According to his theory and from my own personal experience, the need to belong is deep and potent. In the age of social media, the dynamics of belonging can be exaggerated and my perception of it can be misconstrued. Friends and acqaintances construct their social personas for the online world and it can be very hard to understand how people are truly feeling. Are other people lonely? Do other people long for deep connection and solidarity like I do, or do they already have that, along with the perfect home and the perfect life? Somehow I know that's deeply untrue. And yet... when a friend of mine posts pictures of a party my daughter wasn't invited to even though she's told me she's 'besties' with the daughter of the host, or when I see a group of Mums gathering together socially, it cuts me to the core. I immediately feel the pain of being the outsider, of not belonging, not fitting in.
I remember reading a post by a famous blogger once and she wrote how her teenage daughter was getting together with a small group of her friends. The Mum heard one of the teenagers say, 'let's not post as we don't want others to be hurt' and this Mum was quite blown away by the emotional maturity of these teenagers to be able to make that decision. It's a shame a lot of adults aren't the same, but I think the need to post when you are at a gathering or get together could come from the same place as the need to belong. If you are invited to these events and you post, it's validating your own belonging at the expense of other people's. It's like you're waving a flag saying, 'look I do belong, I'm here and you're not.' maybe that's why it hurts or maybe I'm just reading too much into it? It's not like I think people should be banned from posting when they get together, because obviously that's what social media is for. However I do think a little bit of emotional maturity might be helpful. There are times when I post and times when I feel a check about it, perhaps what I'm trying to say is, can we all be more like those teenagers please?!
One of my favourite writers, Brene Brown, talks about true belonging in her book 'Dare to lead,' she says, 'true belonging never asks us to change who we are. True belonging requires us to be who we are,' This feels so good to me, the idea that I can exhale and be who I am, rather than trying to climb the social ladder or win social points; as deep down I know that's a game I can't win. In the past all sorts of insecurities have kept me from being more social, but at this point it feels like there are certain communities that play by certain rules and some are certainly more open than others. Where I come from there are several small rural communities where people have grown up all their lives. For those on the inside with all their childhood friendships around them it's working pretty well, so why would they even notice those lonely ones standing on the edge of the playground? For us lonely ones- the outsiders and misfits it can feel impossible to truly belong.
I saw a listing recently for a free chest of drawers so I went to collect it and realised I had seen the couple giving it away many times at school drop off. They opened up to me that they had struggled to fit in in the community despite their best efforts so they were moving out of the country and starting again. I immediately felt repentant, here was a lovely couple who I'd seen every day, not knowing that they were feeling lonely (and they weren't the first to move away because of this either). This gave me the wake up call I needed to put myself out there more, to try and 'be the person I need' and gather people together who might be feeling lonely.
Last night I was out with a lovely group of women, they had very kindly invited me to go out with them even though I only knew one lady, my neighbour. I was so uplifted to sit around a table with some nice people and talk and laugh. I felt so touched that these people were open enough to invite me when they all knew each other and didn't need to open uo their circle for themselves. As Glennon Doyle says, “I hate how people stand in circles. I wish we'd all agree to stand around in horseshoes, with room available for awkward outsiders to join.”
Brene Brown (2021) 'Dare to lead: True belonging never asks us to change who we are' Available at: https://brenebrown.com/art/true-belonging/
Glennon Doyle (2020), 'Untamed', The Dial Press
Maslow, A. H. (1943). A theory of human motivation. Psychological Review, 50(4), 370-96.
